How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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