I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
