Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
