my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
