After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
