woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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