her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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