Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
