The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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