I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
