All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
