maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
