You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
