Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You pole danced in your parka.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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