I could have mohawked her pubes.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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