The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
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You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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