I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
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