I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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