Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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