im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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