Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
