I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
