If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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