She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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