let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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