My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
