At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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