You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
did you just send me my own nude
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
