toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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