My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
