Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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