Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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