My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
