Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
