I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
