drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
