Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
