If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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