epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
