Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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