if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
