i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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