I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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