It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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