i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
