we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The best revenge is premature balding
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
