it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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