My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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