Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
