Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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