Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
