shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
