I think im going to throw up on grandma
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
