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i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
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I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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