You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
